Waking up in the mid afternoon waiting for that magic e-mail to arrive in your in-box requesting that you come in for an interview? Well, this is for you. It goes without saying that you reap what you sow. Well, you therefore will never reap what you never sow. Since there are tons of guides on how to find a job, and what steps you can take to polish your resume, network, join associations and network some more, I felt that I would approach the subject from a completely different perspective. Here are the 5 things you can do to guarantee you never get a job, in no particular order.
1. Do nothing. I mean nothing.
My favorite. Wake up. Pick up the Wii remote. Order some Pizza (or ask mom to). Such is the life of luxury for the unemployed. No effort, no responsibilities, and no pressure. Clearly, you should take advantage of the fact that a job, career or your own business is not just going to magically appear in your lap. I should also warn you that no, you aren’t Neo, and you are not in the Matrix. So go ahead, sit there on the computer, Facebook all day, work on your Farmville farm, “tweet” about how you don’t have a job, and join your unemployed peers in mass despair over your unemployment. Wake up at noon everyday. Don’t brush off your resume. Don’t sign up for job sites. Don’t talk with friends. Don’t try to network. Just do nothing.
2. Don’t let anyone know you are looking for a job
Your friends, they should all think you are still working at your last job. They don’t have to know, do they? Don’t update your LinkedIn profile, and the world will never know you are sitting at home enjoying Curbed Your Enthusiasm. No one is going to hire you if they don’t know you are looking. So it goes without saying that if you don’t let anyone know you are in the market, you probably won’t receive any interviews or offers. Better yet, if you don’t use your network of family, friends and ex-colleagues, you’ll have no way of your network for potential job leads. Sure, most jobs don’t even make it to job boards like Monster or Hotjobs, because, just like you look to friends, families and people you are familiar with to, so do potential employers. But you don’t care about that. So don’t even think about brushing off that business card, breaking out that suit, and working on that handshake. You should be working on your form for Guitar hero.
3. “The world is falling, woe is me.”
The Apocalypse might as well be occurring tomorrow, and you might as well just make sure the world knows. While your at it, wear black wherever you go, smell like cigarettes, and carry around your flask of the scotch you’ve taken from your father’s Another great way to ensure you , is sulk in your own despair, constantly. It’s a no brainer that will love your attitude , so by constantly, they will be first in line to help. Don’t carry a bright, positive attitude, and people won’t to recommend you or help you in your search.
4. “To Whom It May Concern…”
To whom it may concern. Dear recruiter. I am highly interested in your organization. I would love to work with such great people. I’m a business person. My qualifications are ideal for your company. Blah. Blah. Blah. So, if you think this sounds great now, try reading the same generic wording over and over again. Your average recruiter or HR representative will probably go through hundreds of resume to fill a single position. So why stand out? Why separate yourself from the pack with a unique resume, a catchy introduction or non-generic words? Why stop the reader from placing your resume where all the other went? Just go with the pack. Don’t stand out. I guarantee you will also be getting a generic letter back from said HR department that goes something like this: “while your credentials impressive, we unfortunately cannot offer you a position at the moment.” Frame it. You have just succeeded in not getting hired.
5. After your done reading this article, go read more articles.
Yeah, you read that. That’s right. Keep reading more articles. Because we all know, reading more articles will fill your brain to the tipping point, at which point it will either (a) force your body to actually act out on the words you just read and do something or (b) cause you to hibernate. Most likely (b). So go ahead, hibernate, I’ll see you next Spring.